Welcome to America

When My Man and I go to Italy, I don’t bother looking for places to see or things to do. Yes, I am lazy, but I also trust that he will make good choices for us. He will also know someone that gets us to the front of the line or a free pass so there is no point wasting my energy. There is a tradeoff to this choice. No, we haven’t seen the Leaning Tower of Pisa or Michelangelo’s David but I swam in a forbidden cave in Puglia, climbed a sketchy cliff in the Dolomites, attended Il Ballo del Doge for Carnivale and slept in the villa where Madonna holds her birthday party. I blindly follow because I am confident that he, a proud Italian, does want to give me a bad impression of his country. So when it was my turn to introduce my city to young, energetic Italians, I was feeling the pressure to pick something unexpected but spectacular. I had ideas but Kylie Jenner had more.

The occasion was My Man’s son’s birthday. Son is a trendy teen currently attending college in LA where a new version of cool is spawned every 30 seconds. He is doing his very best to lead this haute parade and looks like he came from a GQ set. For him, it was a short hop over to Tucson to spend his birthday weekend with us. My Man took this a step further and made it Italian style by inviting the whole family. Thus, Daughter, Nephew and his son’s Girlfriend flew in from Italy. You must be young and wealthy to plan a trans-Atlantic flight for just a weekend and look forward to it. Jetlag is a myth until you turn 30.

The complicating factor is that the Tucson Gem Show falls over Son’s birthday. Gem Show is at its peak with thousands of visitors descending on the town to find precious rocks, beads and fossils. For reasons unknown to me, the show is the largest and most important gem and fossil show in the world meaning My Man, a paleontologist, is busy. The most important buyers are in town and he works from dawn to dusk trying to close deals. Given that I will spend the rest of the year enjoying a transcontinental luxury lifestyle because of said show, the least I could do was step up and play hostess to his progeny.

Admittedly I wasn’t sure how to handle it. I am a childfree adult. While I like to think I am the cool aunt that enables every impulsive desire of my clan’s offspring, I will confess to being deeply out of touch with Gen Z. Here were four people ranging from 18 to 20 years old. If these were four Americans, I might hand them the keys to the car and point them in the direction of the mall. However, none of them were licensed to drive in the US. Sadly they were also not old enough to go out and drink either. I resourced many suggestions from friends about how to entertain four classy teens from Italy but these semi adults came with their own agenda.

The first morning I found them awake and ready to go thanks to the time difference. The sun was out and we had all day to explore. “Where shall we start?” I asked.

“Do you know In and Out Burger?” Daughter asked me while tapping on her phone with long acrylic nails.

“Well, yes.” It is hard to miss. There is an In and Out I pass as I am finishing my ER shift and driving home at 7:30 in the evening. There is always a double line of cars. I go by thinking, wow, I am glad I will never feel the need to sit in that line.

“Is it good?” Girlfriend asked me. The girlfriend looks like Barbie’s little sister. She is a tiny blond with flawless skin and perfect make up.

“It’s fast food.” I felt like this was a satisfactory explanation. You go there when you have three kids going to theater, soccer and karate practice each starting exactly 20 minutes different from each other so that sitting down for dinner is an impossible act. Fortunately, I will never find myself in that position. Fast food is someplace I might have to go but with the same enthusiasm I have getting gas or going to the bank. A necessary evil.

They looked at each other. They may speak Italian but the look was universal. How much can we manipulate this adult who is key to both our food and transportation?

“Can we go?”

“But why In and Out Burger? If you want a burger, I will find you a very good burger.” I wanted these kids to have the very best experience here. We only had three days to pack it all in.

“But Kylie Jenner ate there,” Daughter pleaded. My Man’s daughter is tall with long dark hair and wears Gucci casually.

I debated long and hard how to rearrange my face to this news. I did not have any comprehension of the importance of this. This will not be a diss on Kylie. I do not know the woman personally or even para socially. I know there is a show she is on but I am not sure the point of it as I have never seen it. I could not pick her out of a lineup of her buxom sorority sisters. I have no idea why this woman is famous. So I have nothing to critique about her until now which had me questioning her taste in fast food.

“They have the burger with lettuce.” Girlfriend informed me. Girlfriend looks like all she dined on was lettuce. Still for an Italian, a lettuce bun is a gimmick, not a diet plan. I am not sure that low carb can even be translated in Italian.

My competitive nature kicked in. Surely, I could do better than Kylie. This was Tucson, not LA. I was queen here. I finally convinced them there were much, much better places to eat. If they were only here three days, that they should not waste a meal on In and Out.

“It’s like going to Italy to eat Dominos,” I explained.

They relented. We piled in the car and went to popular local place. They dined on thick juicy cheeseburgers and sweet potato fries then declared it “Best burger ever!”

Autumn 1

Kylie 0

I assured them it they just wanted burgers, we could find them burgers of every variety all weekend long. I started making my list. They were going to think I was brilliant and had all the inside info. But hamburgers were not the only thing on their list. Kylie had more recommendations.

A similar conversation played out the next day while in Target. I was there to pick up exactly one item and this should have taken less than five minutes. However with a herd of Italians in tow, we were taking a tour of the entire store.

“Have you been to Raising Cane’s?”

We were standing near the front of the store where racks were stuffed with Valentine’s paraphernalia. Everything was red, pink and heart shaped. I considered if there was anyone on my list that required such desperation shopping. The stuffed Xs and Os were tempting in a way that only makes sense at Target.

“Really? Raising Cane’s is from Louisiana. We are a long way from the swamp,” I despaired. It wasn’t someplace I would even consider eating. Tucson is a UNESCO Gastronomic City. You will not come here for Michelin stars but you will come here and get great food, particularly if you want Mexican.

We kept moving at a crawl. This was Newphew’s first visit to the US and I could sense him taking it all in. He gapped with a reverence that should probably be reserved for more holy places.

“But Kylie had it on Tik Toc!” they said as if this made it a delicacy. This was coming from four people that believe one cappuccino constitutes breakfast. I would not trust any of these people with my nutrition.

They stopped at the candle aisle and marveled at how cheap they were. Now I was amazed. Who uses candles as a measure of international cost comparison?

“Really, we can do better than that.” I tried to keep the desperation out of my voice. But it is hard to be persuasive when you are in corduroy and sneakers. “What about tacos?”

“No, tacos.” They did not want to risk tasting anything spicier than ketchup.

I had visions of us going hiking or seeing a University of Arizona basketball game. I wanted to show them Tucson but there we were standing in Target. With its size and variety, there was nothing more American. These kids had three days to see the US. Perhaps the most amazing thing about the US is that you can experience a piece of LA and Louisiana while in Tucson. We went to Raising Cane’s.

This was not the end of it. Kylie went to Crumbl. So we did, too.

“Are they sweet?” Daughter asked me. “I don’t like too sweet. Everything here is full of sugar.”

It doesn’t get much sweeter than Crumbl. These four inch discs of butter and sugar are topped with thick frosting. In some cases they skip the frosting and just put whole candy bars on top. I have a sweet tooth and they push my boundaries. But I wasn’t their mother. I was the cool aunt that made dreams happen. I wanted these very beautiful people to like me.

I assured them they were very sweet, then made a right hand turn and headed up the street to Crumbl. I did not bother to offer up the many delicious bakeries we could have chosen. It was clear that my assessment of these products was not in any way going to sway their target.

They emerged with what looked like pink shoe boxes full of cookies.

“So what do you think?” I ask.

They shrugged while taking pictures of cookies in the pink box. I don’t know that any of the cookies got eaten but they did get posted to social media and that seemed to make everyone very happy. Who am I to define success?

The next day I gave into the In and Out request. I admit I had never eaten there so was not sure what to expect. There I placed orders like double-double animal protein style which I thought was a sex act found in a porno, not a family friendly drive through. This I had to say with a straight face to a pimply teenager in a paper hat and apron. I have never felt so old. This was immediately followed by sitting in line for 30 interminable minutes which defies all definitions of fast food. I had new respect for every soccer mom trying to make the next drop off.

What I received smelled like every other fast food I have ever endured. It looked a lot like it, too. Slightly squished burgers with a bag full of fries escaping from their little paper bowls. They ate these burgers in silence.

“How is it?” I asked.

Daughter and Girlfriend waved their hands back and forth in the universal gesture of so-so. Notably none of my baby Italians got lettuce wraps.

Take that Kylie!

But Kylie had one more ace up her sleeve. It wasn’t even fast food.

“Do you have Sephora?” Daughter wanted to know.

This was another store I had never stepped foot in. This cosmetic store packs every square inch with various colored powders, creams and perfumes. Just walk by and you will find yourself a shade or two pinker and smelling like a teenage girl’s sleepover. From there the girls emerged with black and white bags full of Kylie branded products. This is when the truth sunk in. I could score all the points I wanted because I was so far behind Kylie, I would never catch up. People were willing to pay for her version of America. US manufacturing may be in decline but we are exporting plenty and Kylie Jenner is in charge.

I am looking forward to the kids’ next visit. It will be much easier. No need to ask friends for suggestions. I will just check in with whatever Kylie has been craving lately. Just like in Italy, I will blindly follow along except this time I will be discovering my own country. Perhaps I will have the pleasure of trying Krispy Kreme and Shake Shack for the first time. I imagine that one day these kids will be brave enough to try something Kylie hasn’t stamped her approval on first. If not, I can only hope at some point this woman discovers tacos so we can, too.