I Am Judging You: My new gig as an art critic

unknown title by Leandro Erlich

(Author’s note: I try to give credit where credit is due. The idea for this post did not come until after the event. At that point I was limited to the photos I had and spent a lot of time trying to track down titles and artists. If there are mistakes, please let me know and I will correct them!)

Drama has erupted at the 61st International Art Exhibition of La Biennale di Venezia, an art festival currently taking place in Italy. The jury judging the Biennale has resigned in protest. The panel wanted the festival to ban countries whose leaders are wanted for international war crimes from being included in the show, including the US, Israel and Russia. So the five judges up and quit, along with many artists who followed in protest. The good news? They asked me to step in as judge.

Ok, they are having the public vote for the awards instead. Pretty much the same thing.

This was an unexpected opportunity since I was not aware that this event was happening. I was focused on Mom and her friend, who were visiting My Man and me before they joined an armada of baby boomers circling Italy and invading ports like a disabled army. Unlike My Man and I, they were far more eager to do a traditional church and museum tour of the area than we had ever considered. This meant visiting no less than 120 churches and 74 museums. That might not be right. I stopped counting after 5. There was no relief in sight. To change it up, we went to Venice to look at more churches, museums, and a lot of art.

The abundance of art is due to the fact the Venice Biennale is held every other year. Each nation has a curator to show the most important contemporary artists and works in their country. If you don’t like what you see at the main pavilion, there are numerous other independent exhibits showing what looks like someone’s drug-fueled mental breakdown. None of it looks like something you would put in your home.

Admittedly, I was not exposed to a great diversity of art growing up. I come from rural Montana. Libby is famous for being the home of the prestigious “Clash of the Carvers,” an international chainsaw carving competition.

I do not know who created this so if anyone does, PLEASE let me know!

This is what I always knew as art. It’s pretty amazing what they can do with a chainsaw. So it is a big leap to go from chainsaws to Jeff Koons.

Dogpool Ladder - Jeff Koons

My understanding of modern art was similar to my understanding of paleontology when I met My Man. Meaning, I understood nothing. To address this deficit, My Man decided that our first trip together should be to Art Basel Miami. Someday I will tell the story about how I thought the actual purpose of the trip was to meet the mafia, but I will leave that gem for another day. What I saw in Miami were sales people keeping a straight face while telling me that a collection of found objects that looks very much like trash from beaches of the world was selling for hundreds of thousands of dollars. I was far out of my depth. Now I help sell skeletons for millions so I guess that is what you might call karma.

I admit an editor told me that harping on modern art was cliché and tired, so I will not go on. Instead, when we decided to go to the Venice Biennale, I brushed up my attitude and am trying a different approach. This time, I am not only judging, I am handing out some of my own awards.

May I present the winners!

BEST EXCUSE TO STOP DUSTING - The blind leading the blind #48, Peter Buggenhout

It might become art.

BEST EXPLANATION OF WHAT HAPPENED TO MOM’S SEWING SCISSORS - Title unknown by Vyacheslav Akhunov

They were always sharp until we got to them.

BEST ILLUSTRATION OF THE MILLENNIAL RETIREMENT PLAN- Title unknown, by Vyacheslav Akhunov

A wall of scratch off lottery tickets. Just keep trying.

BEST ILLUSTRATION OF CONTEMPORARY LIFE - Atlas, Huma Bhabha

Indeed. We are all tired.

I wish I was better at all this. My Man does his best. He continues to drag me to art shows, but I demonstrate limited progress. Therefore, the last award goes to…

BEST REPRESENTATION OF MY BRAIN ON ART - Unknown title, Leandro Erlich

I will get there eventually.